|Photo credit of my sweet Dominic goes to Digital Graces|
From fear to bliss. I am a new mom, but an old one. And the things I thought I once wanted in life are now no more.
The idea of being a stay-at-home mom never interested me before. A corporate working mom who traveled for business meetings and then rushed home to put her child to bed is what I always envisioned. Not because of the supposed glamor of it all (is it, really?), but because I thought I'd find equal value and joy in a corporate job, and that I would find satisfaction in balancing that with a child.
But now, in my late thirties/early forties (not telling you which), all I want to do in life is to raise my baby. I can't even believe it. I can't believe I have a beautiful baby that makes me question my life's choices for the future and I can't believe that I want to be home with him. I still shake my head that the only reason why I wake him up after a two-hour nap is because I want to see his beautiful eyes and hang out with him. I know I should let him sleep a little longer, but two hours of him sleeping makes me miss him! Friends from fifteen years ago never would have thought this about me. They'd probably laugh if they read this post. Not probably. They would.
I want to guide him and protect him and love him, and be the one he comes to when he needs a hug. I don't want someone else to do that while I am gallivanting about trying to write the proper corporate email.
Sadly, it doesn't make sense for me financially to be a stay-at-home mom. I need to keep working because of a silly little thing called bills and saving for the future, so it's such a battle for me internally to know what needs to be done, but dreaming of something else. Didn't I do all that daydreaming when I was a kid?
But one day, one day soon? I desperately hope something comes along that doesn't require the same amount of travel or stress. I've done the corporate life for fifteen years. I feel confident I can choose a different path and my self-esteem won't crumble in the least bit.
So today is a cold morning. The reality of maternity leave coming to an end soon looms over me. But I have a hot cup of coffee right now. A good book. And a very, very sweet baby to curl up with.
How can I not want to be a stay-at-home mom when I look at his sweet face?