17 January 2014

The List. Or, Someone Else.


When once my house was organized and easily defined with what belonged in which room, it is now no more. I sit in these early morning hours with a sheet on the couch, a blanket, pillow, my phone, and my laptop. There is a bib on the armchair, along with a burp rag. Coffee sits in a cooled cup on the table, lukewarm at best. I try hard not to stare at the dust collecting in one corner.

Three months ago, a messy living room would have annoyed me, poking nagging reminders to clean before it got even worse. But this morning, it's hardly noticeable. I am so very happy. There is a sweet baby in the room, happily sucking on his pacifier, swaddled snugly in his "spaceship," as my husband and I like to call it. It gently moves from side to side, and I've picked the "car ride" setting. I hear my son's quiet sleep-laugh, and I smile. In my entire life, I never thought I'd sit here like this. I never thought I'd have children. I never thought I was mommy material. How wrong I was.

Only one thing darkens this moment. My notebook. It's open to a page filled with scribbles and outlines almost illegible, notations in the margins, check marks and cross-outs. It's the list of nannies.

I dread the notebook. It means I have to pick someone. Someone else who will take care of my son during the day. Someone else who will feed him when he's hungry and hold him when he cries. It means I have to go back to work soon. And even though I work from home, going back to work still means eight-hour days of conference calls, audits, project planning, and worst of all, traveling. Overnights in hotels, far away from the new little love of my life.

And so I absolutely must find the right person for my son, the perfect one, that "someone else" who will be the "next-best-thing-to-mommy-and-daddy" that a person can be. Is it possible? I'm sure it is, but... I just don't want to. I want it to just be me and my husband, and that's it. "Someone else" has a lot to live up to.

10 comments:

  1. I can telling this is really tearing at your heartstrings. I am sure you are going to find the perfect person to take care of your precious little one.

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  2. Oh no, you also travel for work, you just made it even harder, I can't imagine.

    Good luck with choosing a Nanny, sounds like you have a plan, and the dreaded notebook will help :-) The process is torture but the outcome of finding the perfect Nanny is a lifetime joy when its right.

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  3. Oh my gosh, what a beautiful baby! Congratulations!!! Also, I went through the same thing with my son, except I was picking through day cares instead of nannies. I ended up finding the perfect one for him, one that had teachers who loved him and gave him the proper care all kids deserved. While it was very hard for BOTH of us for a while (he cried every day I left him off for a good while and so did I!) he ended up loving it there and got the interaction he needed with other kids (I stayed home with him till 18 mo and then he went to day care). Once he really started enjoying it I remember one of the teachers asking me if it hurt my feelings that he ran up to her so easily now (she said a number of moms got jealous of that sort of bond). I told her not at all, I was glad he had someone he could love and that I knew would take care of him when I couldn't do it. I hope the same for you and just know, while it is hard in the beginning, it does get easier!

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  4. Oh honey. *hugs* Good luck. What a hard decision indeed.

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  5. You have an advantage here because you will be home with the nanny! You won't have the added worry of "what is she doing with my kid right now?" You will find a wonderful person and she/he will be a great help and you'll have the best of both worlds. Trust me. It WILL be okay. It's good for him to interact with other people too and that will become obvious when he starts preschool. Again, trust me! Hugs!

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  6. No one else will ever love him as much as you do but there's someone out there who will love him just as much as he needs to be loved and you'll be around enough to make sure he or she does!

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  7. It will be a huge advantage that you are home. You can take your lunch with him, and be around if there is a question. It really is the best case scenario if you have to work. And also, if the first person doesn't end up being what you want, you can find someone else!

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  8. I started a home business when I had my oldest daughter, and it wound up being the best of both worlds. Nelize (our wonderful nanny) took care of both of us. I was able to have lunch or a cup of tea with my daughter when I needed a break, but I knew there was someone there for her when my hands weren't free. I was a graduate student with the second, and we had almost the same arrangement. I know you'll make it work, and your son will have a powerful role model of female industry to draw on when he gets older. Best of luck with your search!

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  9. Ahhhh what a sweety! You will find the right one!

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  10. I have not stopped by in so long!! Congratulations on your peanut! Yes, that is a hard decision to make. I understand what you are going through. I understand your longing. I wish you luck that you will find that right one my dear, that you feel comfortable enough with.

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